intricate wonders

school obsession

2008-04-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

school.

what do i think of school?

on a good day : no physics. no est. no 9&10. monday, friday.
good moments : chemistry and agama class

most hateful day of the week : THURSDAY

oh yeah there may be no 9 & 10, BUT there is physics, AND i have accounts(i still have NO BLOODY IDEA WHY IM TAKING THIS USELESS SUBJECT), AND physics tuition like...half an hour after accounts finishes. it's like...i never fail to be depressed on this day. two subjects i despise and dont get and two most boring tuition teachers i have ever met. gah

good moments of tuition : maths, monday evening. mrs chee. haha. chemistry, tuesday night. cheryl law as my source of entertainment. hehehe.

another reason for me to hate going to school these days : morning and after recess assemblies. i'm a prefect and therefore i shall say no more. *sigh*.
oh, and monday assemblies. prefects dont get to sit even tho i clearly recall pn emilda saying that we are allowed to. now, its not that im lazy to stand or anything, coz ive physically gotten used to it, but i feel so...err..exposed. yeah thats the word. we stand among those who sit and whatever we do is more obvious so..yeah. bad exposed naked feeling. am i gonna get in trouble for writing this? hmm i wonder.

homeworks. need i say more? they give out homeworks like they give out eggs or something. heh. problem is, when they do give the homework, it doesnt seem all that bad. bt when we reach home and see our beds, we realise just how tired we are and we no longer can resist the temptation of just dozing off. and then we wake up feeling even more tired and give up on doing the homework given on that particular day. then we put it off until it mounts up and bladibla you know how it goes. damn.

exams: yes people, just one and a half weeks away. this year, i never expect A1 or whatever good excellent results. all i want is to pass all the subjects and get it over with. my expectations have gone down the drain and i dont know when it will rise again. exam stress gets to me very easily. makes me confused and lose all my feelings for everything. even the little things that i have been obsessed/excited/goo goo gaa gaa about.

yes, this is what school life is all about. and added with the fact that we are "on our way to becoming sekolah cemerlang" thingy. dont know how ill survive this year but yeah. i dont have any words of wisdom tonight (yes, u can express ur gratitude now, joey) coz im just too sick of the fact that tomorrow got school.

*note* see?? even I am not in the mood to go to school...seriously, this is like the 1st year ive ever complained bout being sick of school. *gasp*

Dear Convent rendah girls

2008-04-24T08:30:00.000-07:00

Damn i miss sek rendah.

I know the rules sucked and the teachers babbled a lot and there were a lot of pressure and crap, but i loved the sports day, i loved the koko training that did not involve "respecting senior" or the overly excessive demand of being disciplined and in the end resulting in us having no fun at all. Secondary school sucks.

We were free to run in the padang and not feel any shame or have any reluctance. We had teamwork and we had fun. I remember the kawad kaki pengakap. It was the best memories of my last year in primary school. We spent hours and hours in school training for it and i remember how i was constantly looking forward to see the afternoon session teachers *cough*. Yes, that was also the most embarrassing moments of my life.

Then there would be the kelas tambahan we had every thursday and friday. I remember that thursday was science and maths. Me and my gang would eat the cake they sold at the canteen and we would just laugh our asses off. We complained to Puan Zarina that the cake made us go crazy and she believed us. A few months after, they stopped selling those cakes. Hehehe. Me and Kareema would always have our weekly thursday drama in the science lab. It always involved deep conversations, arguments and tears. LOL. scary tho when i think of it again.

Then there were the trips. I remember 3 or four of em. First there was the one where we went to the Pusat Sains Negara and the PWTC. It was really fun and we did all the crazy stuff there. Syafira went googoo gaa gaa over Farid Kamil who wasnt even that cute in real life. Then there was the school trip to MELAKA. yes, sucks but it was still fun. I recall me and adiba making up a story on how the chalet was haunted and we told ju chin bout it. Ju chin eventually told everyone and everyone was freaked out. Sigh. Those were the days. It was an interesting trip tho. Loved shopping at mahkota parade.

And for me, the KEMBARA BUDAYA. Thats where i met sindhu actually. and wan ri. Lisa, Ju chin and Zafira went with me. We went to melaka, negeri sembilan and johor obviously. It was damn cun!! It was held by the kementerian seni warisan budaya or something like that lah. Was really cool and i also remember that i was the only female ketua kumpulan and i had to hang out with lame sengal guys at the prize giving ceremony. Oh, and of course, the trip sure tak sah without a scandal. Some dude-which is a friend of my childhood fren of 13 years, Azfar-whose name is...i forgot, apparently had a stupid crush on me and told all the facilitators. I am not being perasan ah, cik rozi told me one. I was being stalked for four days. Nice memories. haha.

And then there was UPSR and the whole leaving school thing. Was really sad...even though i knew id only be next door, it was definite that it wouldnt be the same again. We cant even go back to visit the teachers or the school, coz then we would get caught and whatever. I had a dream last night. I was standing at the std 4 corridor watching the kids doing the formasi for the kawad kaki pengakap(note: after my batch, they didnt win anything. according to some source). I was crying, if i wasnt mistaken. Then out of the blue, our ex science teacher (ala, u ppl know who rite, i duwan say the name anyway. lol) came beside me and just stared with a puzzled look. I dont think i answered anything and then the image disappeared.

Yes, we all miss sek rendah. Esp the culture and stuff. Convent girls will always be the best no matter what they do and where they go. Everyone is able to recognize who we are and thats what make us so special. Maybe not special in all the good aspects, but still, we possess qualities that other students dont. so, dont forget that. ;)

Tagged AGAIN

2008-04-24T07:32:00.000-07:00

1. Link to your tagger and post these rules.
2. List eight (8) random facts about yourself.
3. Tag eight people at the end of this post and list their names.
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged by leaving them a comment on their blogs. OK? All set?
here goes...

1. I think too much about everything that happens to me.

2. it's pretty obvious but as most of u people know, i tend to notice cute guys miles away WITHOUT my specs and u people know lah how rabun i am

3. my friends know me too well edi. anything that happens they can always predict what it would be about. drama, duh.

4. im seriously blur. i can see people 30 feet away and yet wont be able to notice my friends right in front of me. this is proven by that time syiqah and kareema were running towards me but i was looking for them right over their shoulders. yeah.

5.i dont get over stuff easily. or...i dont get over stuff AT ALL. and as of course you would know to what i am referring to. clue. it either starts with P or J. hahaha

6. i am capable of being totally ignorant to whatever someone has said when im in a deep thinking mode.

7. i look and act old most of the time. my friend in Australia told me his boss thinks im 30. *sigh*

8. i am unstable.

1. everyone
2. that
3. bothers
4. to
5. or
6. have
7. no
8. life

2008-04-20T09:13:00.000-07:00

i cannot change who i am. i dont even want to change who i am. and because of that, i wish you could change who you are. but neither can you do that.

a hole is all that is left. a chasm. without a bridge to connect to the other end.

it's a funny, funny thing.

one moment you had the direction you were going to take, and then..you think and think again. so many factors to consider, so many odds.

one moment you think you had it, and bam! you cant be more wrong.

babbling at midnight. aisyah sengal signing off. ;)

2008-04-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

It is so weird to realise after so long that what you've felt the whole time was just...an illusion.

As much as you want to be in denial, you cant. Your heart cant lie. It's not the same anymore and it hits you with such a pang that you are so taken aback about the truth of it all.

you wont even know what it is anymore. you want it to be something else, something which has been planted at the back of your mind, what you believe. you try to convince yourself that it is what you think it is, what you want it to seem as, but deep down, it's all gone. somewhere, somehow.

It hurts to not realise earlier that what you've been waiting for is not what you're really looking for.

help me

2008-04-17T05:01:00.000-07:00

I dont like being in 4 science 1. I dont like being in form 4.

Stress+pressure+high expectations = psychological harm.

sigh. dont want to be lawyer anymore.

language

2008-04-11T09:29:00.000-07:00

dont know why suddenly today im in the mood to blog. maybe coz its a friday and tomorrow is gonna be depressing for me. syiqah blogged bout the how people say malay girls who speak english a lot have already forgotten their roots. all i wanna say is this : kalo kitorang ckp english pun, bukannye kitorang tak reti ckp melayu kan?? ade ke kitorang berlagak nak ckp bombastik nye english kat korang? takde kan?

the thing is, we dont speak english coz we wanna berlagak/perasan terer. dah tentu in this era of globalisation, and we also live in a world where english is so the very penting, of coz lah kene ckp english kan..ive been schooling in an english school for the past 10 years. majority of the students are non malays and my close frens are non malays. okay, so you may say why cant they speak malay instead? well..fact is, sometimes we do use malay to speak. like me, cheryl, sindhu, joey, florence, irene all pernah speak malay to each other ape.

whatsmore, being in convent means you have to know how to speak english if you dont want to be discriminated. The stigma is this : malay girls dunno how to speak english

so why dont we change that mindset?? huh?

i hate the fact that language barrier is a problem for me to communicate with people. i go tuition, the malay students look at me one kind coz i speak english with my friends. then i find out they are intimidated coz i speak english and therefore i am sombong or too "high standard" to be their friends. its a really menyakitkan hati punye thing coz some of the guys are cute! and they think this and that bout girls like us. hampeh.

okay, so i listen to english music, watch english movies, read only english books, write in english, talk in english 90% of the time, doesnt mean i have forgotten about my malay roots. I just prefer things in english. That's all. It's my domain. I know when to speak malay and who to speak malay to. I realise that this has become some sort of sensitive issue in our lives.

personally, it causes a minor identity crisis in me. i know this applies to some as well. It's like...when you speak english in the presence of the malays who dont, you'd feel conscious. Why? Coz we're afraid of what they may think or say. macam tak kene tempat la.

i do converse mostly in english and as embarrassing as it is, my bm's getting worse. haha. in exams that is.

i knw what people would say to this : just be yourself.

but sometimes its not that easy.

2008-04-11T08:07:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, 10th april, we had a majlis anugerah cemerlang for those who got straight A's for PMR and SPM. They gave us a rm50 worth of mph voucher. i'd prefer cash lorh. hampeh. anyway, while waiting for the damn thing to start, we were all shipped off to the canteen to sit there quietly. hah. as if. With almost half of em being prefects, the canteen was as noisy as ever. kihkih. so, we (me, joey, florence, syiqah, cheryl, ilham n irene) sat at the same table under the fan obviously(otherwise cheryl would complain). I brought my camera and so..well...what else could we have done except..........

poyo's #1, 2, 3 and tangan ayam.

We also spent a lot of time taking candid shots of cheryl tan who was full of random facial expressions. hahahah!!

Aren't they just plain amusing?? hehehhee

"i'm choking! aakk!! akkk!! (yes jo, thats exactly how u sound.) =p

Joey having a bloody hard time trying to button her collar. lol

May i present, THE NERD+GEEK+SENGAL version of Joey Woo!!

Joey doing her tongue stunt thingy and syiqah menyibuk coz she tak dpt masuk
gambar. hahaha!

Here we have syiqah yakking away, irene looking bored as usual, and joey, obviously, ready to fall asleep anytime. hahah!

Was damn funneh. We took videos of em singing to the lemon tree song(malay version courtesy of cheryl tan) wont go home without you, where all of us sang, and are you gonna be my girl, by ilham and chicken).

~ngeee

TAGGGG

2008-04-09T02:00:00.002-07:00

Tagged. Again.
Do not copy each other's answers
The tag questions must be 100% the same
List Out 20 names
Tag people after doing it

1. Aliah
2. Hanim
3. syiqah
4. Kareema
5. Joey
6. Sindhu
7. Azim
8. Fauzi
9. Cheryl
10. arif
11. Ilham
12. Cheryl Law
13. Pali
14. Aizat
15. Adiba
16. Syafira
17. Abg Asrul
18. Irene
19. Florence
20. Evy

How do you know 14? (Aizat)
* haha. went on a trip to turkey with the dude. pembuli!

What would you do if you had never met 1? (Aliah)
* damn...life wud be meaningless without her seh..heheh

What would happen if 9 and 20 dated you? (cheryl n evy)
* wait...cheryl is evy's..evy's what ah? wife or sumthing kan? (someone correct me leh. i 4got the family tree edi)

Would 6 and 17 make a good couple? (sindhu and abg asrul)
* crazy ah? later pregnant lady #2 go hentam sindhu. haha!

Do you think 8 is attractive? (Fauzi)
* HAHAHAHAH!!! damn i dunno seh. WEIRD quest i tell ya.

Do you know anything about 12's family? (Cheryl Law)
* yeah. they go overseas every year!! waa!! oh and according to her, her bro VERY CUTE. lol

Tell me something about 7.(Azim)
* he's ildran. and he WILL owe me a drink at the end of the year. ;)

What is 18's favourite? (Irene)
* sarcasm. cynicism. harry potter. lol

What language does 15 speak? (adiba)
* Malay and english

Who is going out with 19? (florence)
* lol. dont think shes going out with anyone.

How old is 16 now? (syafira)
* she just turned 16...

When was the last time you talked to 13? (pali)
* uhhh.....well. i dont think i talked to him in person b4..so..on the phone..wud be..2 years ago. hmm

Who is 2's favourite singer? (Hanim)
* wait...i know this...i think she likes..the one who sings that bicycle song. who ah??

Would you date 4? (Kareema)
* mampos kene ngn ikram. haha

Would you date 17? (abg asrul)
* hes my bro in law lahh!

Is 15 single? (adiba)
* she tengah sibuk main tarik tali with that dude i 4got his name edi

What is 10's last name? (Arif)
* er..dunno..but i knw his name is like..arif safwan. =p

Would you ever consider being in a relationship with 11? (ilham)
* No way!

Which school does 3 go to? (syiqah)
* same. convent

Where does 6 live? (sindhu)
* taman perling

What is your favourite thing about 5? (Joey)
* she's freaking funny. haha!

TAGGING
whoever wants to do it. ngee

2008-03-26T01:40:00.000-07:00

Daughters

I know a girl
She puts the color inside of my world
But she's just like a maze
Where all of the walls all continually change
And I've dont all I can
To stand on her steps with my heart in my hands
Now I'm starting to see
Maybe it's got nothing to do with me

Fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Oh, you see that skin?
It's the same she's been standing in
Since the day she saw him walking away
Now she's left
Cleaning up the mess he made

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

Boys, you can break
You'll find out how much they can take
Boys will be strong
And boys soldier on
But boys would be gone without warmth from
A woman's good, good heart

On behalf of every man
Looking out for every girl
You are the god and the weight of her world

So fathers, be good to your daughters
Daughters will love like you do
Girls become lovers who turn into mothers
So mothers, be good to your daughters too

yes, it can be a boring song to listen to, but..come on people..look at the lyrics. and understand. =)

just do it.

2008-03-19T23:03:00.000-07:00

Now that debate is over, I can do a whole lot of stuff ive put on hold for too long now

Here is the list of things i wanna do

1) BUY MORE BOOKS TO READ. oh my god. i havent read a good book since like..early this year.
2) Write a story. Maybe a sequel to the one i wrote on *ehem ehem*
3) Finish cross stitch(3 months on hold ok)
4) Go swimming class (a whole YEAR on hold)
5) Update my diary
6) Blog more i guess
7) Go out more. whee~

Life's back on track people. =D

surprise surprise

2008-03-18T20:13:00.001-07:00

Yesterday was a very eventful day for me. Apart from debate as well

two things happened, which involved the same person. The first, made me think of 3 months ago. the latter, made me realise i could get through this. Kinda weird tho. I thought the complete opposite would happen..but no. I expected my heart to jump out anytime and beat like crazy. But no. It made me happy, still, but i guess it really is time to move on. There is nothing left but a platonic friendship.

see??? i told you everything happens for a reason.

What happened : got reason. lol.

the event yesterday : i see clearly how and why i should move on. =)

2008-03-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

NEWS UPDATE : SSI IS NOT GOING AGAINST EC

sucks right??? damn..now they have to go against sdj..which they already defeated in the 1/4 finals. this is gonna be one hell of a boring debate to watch wei. coz we already know who will win. haha. no offence tho. but..who knows..maybe there wud be an unexpected surprise..like..sdj winning? fat chance but we cant be too sure now, huh? =)

we get what we deserve

2008-03-18T02:45:00.000-07:00

Debate semi-finals 2008.

Convent jb vs. SSI.

Motion : This house believes that moral values are better caught than taught

It was a good debate to me. Not ridiculous like the others before. I enjoyed listening to the opponents and our team as well. From ssi there were the three great debaters(hehe), lisa, naqi and jaslyn, whom all of em i know. We got the opposition, which to us seemed like it made enuff sense. We didnt mind both sides but personally i do prefer the government. Coz i can relate to it well enuff.

I was the 1st speaker for our team. It really is nervewrecking. Haih. Sometimes i question myself if debate was truly where i belonged. And that is only being the 1st speaker. I cant imagine taking the role of 2nd, or even worse, 3rd.

It started quite late as the quarantine started late coz ssi was late. heh.

anywho, the crowd was damn huge. Bigger than during the quarter finals that is. Oh yeah, the sigs debaters managed to make it.

As the debate went on, ssi definitely did a great job. They were passionate bout it, of course. Like jaslyn said b4, she cant imagine not debating. They have done it for like..what? 3 years now? Since i do know all three of em, i do know that debate is something which they do because they love it, and not only for the sake of representing their school.

SSI won. Truth to say, i knew it would turn out that way even before the debate began. (i have this instinct thing going on). im not saying that convent isnt great, 'course we are! But..maybe it is time for us to just..accept our fate and step down to let those who deserve it get to where they wanna be.

At the finals, SSI will most probably, or definitely meet EC again. If im not mistaken, for the past 3 years they have lost to ec. So i hope that this time, since they made it to the finals, they would break the tradition and emerge triumphantly. I dont knw why im siding with SSI but i just think i would like to see them win for a change.

Im proud to call myself a Convent debater. I asked my sister to come and watch as i had a feeling this were to be my last debate in a very very long time. She really is my true supporter. Was glad having her there. She even mingled with my ridiculous frens aka cheryl, joey, ilham and kareema. hahahaa...

All in all, i have no regrets whatsoever coz i know i did the best i could, just as i have planned. Everything happens for a reason and so i know there is something that would come out of this.

GOOD LUCK SSI DEBATERS! JUST REMEMBER, U HAVE A SUPPORTER RIGHT HERE. =)

kick me

2008-03-15T01:43:00.001-07:00

liking someone is a painful process. No one can deny that fact

To know that even if they know how u feel, nothing would happen. why?

coz they dont feel the same way.

wondering if they ever cared..and realising they did for a moment..that short time u spent together. time passes by, and well..they stop caring.

and then u wonder again..why..why did they stop caring?

the novelty just wore off. that thrill of making memories for that certain period just faded.

at the end of the day..u realise..you're left behind. forgotten.

I'm stressed. and bored. and im not doing anything to overcome this predicament which i could have if i hadnt wasted time procrastinating. i guess melissa hecht orzeck was right. =p

2008-03-14T11:49:00.000-07:00

TAGGED by Kareema
Instructions:Remove 1 question from below, and add in your personal question, make it a total of 20 questions, then tag 8 people in your list, list them out at the end of this post. Notify them in their chat box that he/she has been tagged. Whoever does the tag will have blessings from all.

1. At what age do you wish to marry?- i have no idea but maybe 26 or so la.

2. If you can turn into anyone, who do u wish u can turn into?-im fine being me. =D

3. If you were to be stranded on a desert island, who are the 3 blog buddies you would take with you? Why?- blog buddies?? maybe kareema joey and syiqah. coz then i wont jadik gile. i wud be entertained by kareema's singing, joey's crapping and syiqah's tranquilising. lol.

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?- banyak seh. i want south of france...italy..switzerland..

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?- i wanna just get thru f4 like a breeze

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?- DUH

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?- my family

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?- travel.

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?- no. take my current situation. there is no point in confessing coz nothing will happen. haha

10. List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
KAREEMA
-she can sing
-she can dance better than anyone i know
-she's my best fren. =p

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?
- funny, and knows when to be serious
- comfortable to talk with
- sweet n loving. *hahahahahahahah*
- honest

12. Which type of person do you hate the most?- sluts, mat rempits

13. What is your ambition?-lawyer? psychologist?

14. If you have fault, would you rather the people around you point out to you or would you rather they keep quiet?- i dont mind taking in criticism that is relevant and which i myself agree to

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?- my family. and frens.

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?- i can be but i dont have the time lah

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?- the crushing on ppl too much part. haihh

19. Is there anything that u have done that make u feel regretful?- um. not really

20. How are you feeling right now?- sleepy tired n bored

I tag:
SYIQAH
KAYSHINI
um...i dont have anymore blog frens seh. lol

2008-03-05T06:48:00.000-08:00

Ive never really blogged bout debate. lol.

maybe i shall talk a bit bout it now. *im not gonna like define debate etc aite*

Ill just describe it in general from my point of view as the 1st speaker. It is one of the most taxing thing ive ever done in my life. It takes a lot of effort and time to actually get what ure doing. After a while, just looking at the script makes me want to stuff in under a pile of books and hope for it to be over. Im not saying i dont like debating anymore, of course not. Im merely stating what its like for me. And for the rest of us. But even if it does take a lot of our time and energy, it gives u that feeling of exhiliration. It does look exciting and "great" but the process is critical and overwhelming. U get the topic, you think you know which side is better, but after 3 days of working on both scripts, u find u cant choose anymore. That one hour before the whole thing, only will you know. I dont know if its a coincidence or what, but everytime we get negative, i can feel it. lol. lame, i know.

We made it past tasek, skudai and now sigs. Going against ssi next. This should be fun. The last two rounds. Who will make it to the finals? I think you guys already have the schools in mind. =)

This whole debate thing may be really really time and energy consuming, but it would all be worth it. And besides, any round might be the last time we will be debating for a very long time. Perhaps we will miss it. Who knows?

so wrong

2008-02-20T06:51:00.000-08:00

I was so so wrong. I thought it would all go according to plan. I thought i have succeeded in making this an easy process. But today, today changed it all. Sudden hit of realisation once again. what happened today...it surprised me that the feeling hasnt gone away just yet. I was so convinced and now im having doubts all over again. This is not supposed to happen. Not at all.

one day it will hurt me somehow. =(

im gonna sound soo mean but what the heck.

2008-02-17T05:57:00.000-08:00

Okkay people, random stressed frustrated aisyah taking over so dont make such a big deal out of this. Dont ask me who is this referring to, dont ask me anything at all. I may sound mean but i just cant help it.

I never thought id say this, but well sometimes revelations come later than the usual. I think ure an asshole. Yeah i do. Before this i never even bothered to tell you how much i hated you but now i can. Well, as anybody would say and argue -coz u do after all have a "support system" ready to backlash me after this, provided they even realise im talking about you- hate is a strong word. I dont hate the whole you, i just hate your guts. You think of yourself sooo damn freaking highly, you dont respect other people, you only respect yourself, and when u think that you do respect that one person, if u see it in another perspective, you dont. At all. You worship idiots! You think soo high of yourself that u forgot the one who created you in the first place. Ever thought of that? Huh? Your ego will be severely bruised someday. Oh no, AGAIN.

freedom

2008-02-15T05:48:00.000-08:00

I'm tired, sleepy, stressed and wish i could just fly away. I already have an image of myself on top of a cliff facing the ocean with the sounds of seagulls and nobody around...the temperature would be moderate and the wind blowing..

Or maybe just take hike in the countryside during autumn time..

just sitting by a lake like lake geneva or wakatipu would be fine with me...anything with nature and memorable sceneries..

writing bout this makes me think of turkey..i miss the sceneries and the weather..ahh the memories. Ive almost forgotten about them. This time, surprisingly, the whole "getting over" process is faster. Compared to the japan obsession two years ago that is. lol. But thing is, as i have mentioned over and over again in some of my last posts, when u move on and forget, eventually it would catch up with you. And when that happens, well, you know what happens la.

I am dead sure that this year, i will most probably not have any "significant other". I just have the sure feeling in my instincts. Maybe coz the only significant male in my life this year would be my future nephew. Feels weird tho, to know, or at least to totally be convinced that for one whole year, id just be single. Cool. At least now my mind would be clear of doubts and insecurity. More crushes, more ogling. Without feeling "guilty" or tied down. Now that, is what i call freedom and happiness. hahaha..

2008-01-20T03:02:00.000-08:00

I dont know if u guys would see this as the same way as me. But im just gonna write it anyway. We are going through one of the hardest transitions in our lives so far. Im sure you know what i mean. Maybe it's easy, or not a big deal to some of you, but im speaking on behalf of me and most of my friends.

The pressure that we face, the stress and hard work, is pretty alien to us. Compared to the years before, it gets harder and harder now. But to me, i see the pressure as a resort of escaping. In fact, i like it. Im not trying to sound like a geek/whatever other term is used out there, but yeah. Personally it would really help me. And no im not talking bout study-wise. the busy schedule would at least help me forget bout the unsignificant and negative details of my life that are not worth thinking bout. Over time, it may change me. You may not know me anymore. But i have a feeling that we would all in the end learn something from this. As a good friend of mine once said, schooling years are the best moments in life and therefore we should make the greatest memories. I foresee many changes, conflicts, complicated predicaments and many more. But what is growing u without all that, rite?

So girls, let's not be afraid. We will always have each other no matter where we are and what we're going through. =)

Dedicated to :

Syiqah
Joey
Sindhu
Kareema
Florence
Irene
Cheryl

and everyone else who can relate to it.

whatever

2008-01-13T07:41:00.000-08:00

i have nothing left. Right now, i cant do anything to make this situation any different. Coz the painful change was done. The feeling of being forgotten isnt entertaining. Sitting in class, paying full attention, and then out of nowhere the feeling arises. Where did it go? Where did everything go?

But yknow what? I dont wanna care anymore... disappointment has always been apart of my life for so long, i think im able to be immuned to it now. And now, i have nothing left to say. Thank you and goodbye would be good enough i guess. And goodbye is not to what we have now, but what we had.

2008

2008-01-03T07:56:00.000-08:00

changes. so many of them have yet to come our way. But i feel it, and i almost see it too. Are they good? Are they bad? It's all ammatter of perspective..but of course most of us would see them as bad changes coz..well..we dont like changes. But like a friend of mine once said, "only cowards are afraid of changes. Changes would mature us, and people who fear changes are not ready to be mature." well, its something like that, coz i had to translate it. =p well its true, dont u think? We've changed for almost 20 years now. Are we complaining for the past changes? hmm..i dont recall regretting the alterations made in my life before. I dont know bout the rest of u, but trust me, everything happens for a reason.

But then again, yes, things that happen would bring so much sadness, grief, sorrow and even loneliness. For example, in my past experience, the change that brings most woe to my life is when people start drifting away and moving on. I feel as though memories have been forgotten...I have been forgotten. Sometimes we just cant control it, huh? Bits and pieces of memories are left behind. Scattered. My point is..well..i might say make the best out of it, but yknow what? I'd be a hypocrite if i do say that. Adapting is hard, as ive said in my few previous posts. You might get lost in the busyness of ur life. But once u sit down and suddenly think of how things used to be, that feeling at the pit of ur stomach is just..painful.

Sweet memories. Am I the only one who still thinks of them? Probably, I would be able to move on as well in at least a year or so. Just like the last time this happened. Even now, as much as I hate to admit, the visions are getting more vague by the day...but i cant possibly truly forget. I try to remember everyday, but given the circumstances, sometimes its just impossible. It's inevitable. I knew.

Goodnite.

chapters

2007-12-18T05:34:00.000-08:00

why is it so damn freaking hard to get over someone?
why is it so damn freaking easy to fall for someone??
thinking too much eventually will make you go annoyed, delusional, sick and finally crazy.

end of chapter one.

im 15, i dont feel 15. i lead the life of a fifteen year old. i just dont act like one. there's no wonder why im so uncomfortable in my own skin.

end of chapter two

after a year and a half, i finally truly honestly got over him.

end of chapter three.

thankful to be happy.

end of chapter four

it's great to be able to prove yourself. to make changes. to change minds and alter judgements. now, ive only just begun.

end of chapter five

Holiday of the year = Turkey

2007-12-12T01:30:00.000-08:00

Pictures of turkey can be checked out in my friendster account coz i cant be bothered to upload them here. my email is aisyahhassan@hotmail.com

Im not going to be very detailed bout this trip..just about what i feel i should share. and what i feel like sharing. It didnt start off good for me. I was very upset with the fact that i was alone, without aliah or hanim, and the only kids that came along were all siblings so it was hard for me to include myself in their clan. they're my neighbours even. Isma, 27 ; Aizat, 23; Amira, 19; and Aqilah, 14. Ive never talked to them before. As everyone sane in this world know, its very lame and very boring to only have to spend time with ur parents during a trip to such a great place. So i pushed myself to be extra friendly and shameless and started talking to them. It started off in bahrain. I talked to the brothers first coz they had to sit next to me during dinnertime. Aizat is my sister aliah's fren so it was easy. Thankfully, these siblings are seriously funny and relaxed kind of people. So at the airport on the way to istanbul, i talked to aizat coz the others were missing. In istanbul on the way to bursa, i followed them on the ferry and thank god i did that. That was the starting point of our frenship. I didnt even hang out with my parents and stood on the deck in the cold with them and took photos with them as well. Hahaha...In bursa, that night, i caught up with them while they were getting ready to go out. Yes, i managed to menyibuk. I saw aizat getting out of the room wearing his winter jacket and followed by his sister wearing her muffler. I asked whether i can follow and so i did. hahaha...was fun tho. and so the frenship continued on, i hung out with them most of the time but aizat was my constant bodyguard. lol much. they're really funny. i like the way they treat each other. Isma is the ketua menyakat, aizat makes really crazy n hilarious jokes, amira is more straightforward and aqilah is the crazy one coz shes the youngest.

It was winter in turkey and it was seriously cold. even with long johns. but i liked it a lot. lovely weather. it didnt rain that much except in ankara, the capital city. the countryside was so gorgeous i couldnt put my camera down. haha. i saw snowy mountains but unfortunately we missed the snow. the wind in cappadocia was the worst. my god. it was practically blowing me away! haha. we saw the whirling dervishes, which only now i know is a holy ceremony. its boring. i almost went up the hot air balloon but thank god i didnt coz one woman did and broke her ribs. another woman dislocated her collarbone. and it was too cold after all. hmm. the blue mosque was gorgeous, and so was ayasofea. personally i prefer ayasofea's interior. but i like blue mosque's exterior. haha. the ruins of hierapolis was nice. I think that was one of the prettiest views. The topkapi palace is huge too. Nice place. Near the sea and stuff. The trees were more than 100 years old and there were cute cats everywhere. There was a diamond called spoonmaker diamond coz it was found by a spoonmaker. its 86 carat. me and my bodyguard ended up merayau to other places. lol much. I kept on losing my parents so i didnt really bother to find them. I prefer to think of it as giving them a break from me. haha. In the underground city, we had to squat to get thru the passageway. haha...shopping was okay. turkish lira is almost the same as usd. the grand bazaar was huge. 4000 shops. what do u expect?? but they dont really sell my kind of stuff. just the typical souvenir stuff. but it was fun anyway.

This trip would have been a disaster if i hadnt made any friends. Being friendly has its advantage. But now i feel sad that we're back in malaysia and back to our old lives. honestly, i didnt even miss malaysia or jb. i guess its coz i felt as tho i lived in a fantasy in turkey. not having to think, to care, to worry..and now..its just back to life. back to boredom and heavy burdens. I will never forget the memories ive made in turkey. Never. =)

our little outing at tgif n cs

2007-11-24T07:03:00.000-08:00

I have been forced by joey to blog about our lil outing two days ago. hahaha.. kay kay..it was supposed to be a belated celebration for mine and joey's birthday. we were scheduled to arrive at about 1.40 pm at TGIF, well for me and the other 4 (syiqah, sindhu, flo n irene) because cheryl and joey thought it was wise for them to arrive TEN MINUTES earlier than us, so that they can order our food for us. I already suspected that im going to be late, as usual. but no. i was the first to arrive. hahahahahah! how ironic aint it?? i came with syiqah, cheryl came after us, followed by irene, flo, and sindhu. oohhh and guess who came last??? guess guesss!! JOEY did.

syiqah sindhu n flo.

irene and cheryl. i lost the good shots.

and along came joey..

cheryl (yeah she cut her hair for some kind of unknown reason), me and sindhu ( who perasantedly plastered her face in the camera) lol

we went CS after that and watched stardust, first time for cheryl irene n flo. second for me and jo. enjoyed it. some of them wouldnt admit it but they did like the movie. no names, of course.

that is all. =)

im a lord of the rings maniac. yay

2007-11-16T06:17:00.000-08:00

I loooovvveeeee my bro in law!!!!

heee~~ okay, so like before this, (nov 8 post) i said i just i finished watching lord of the rings. And that was because my bro in law borrowed me the dvd...so like two days ago, i sms him and asked whether i can continue borrowing it till the end of the month coz then id be in kl and stuff..so..he said that i can even pinjam forever ever and he asked me to consider it as a belated birthday gift. aint he sweet??? muahahahahhaa...now i can watch it over and over again and never get sick of it. ooohhh...my faramir...and haldir....heeee~~oh and theodred the son of the king...now he was cute! except he was dead. but still cute. so whatever.

live

2007-11-08T07:16:00.000-08:00

I am not sure of what i am speaking of. I just type as i feel. Just finished watching the extended version of The Lord of The Rings, courtesy of my dearest brother in law. The specialty of this extened version of the movie has caused me to fall for the character of Faramir, son of the idiot Denethor. I know almost none of you watch this movie except a few who would open their minds and crawl out of the whole harry potter mania and step into the real world. No offence. I am updating this boring, reader's digest-ish, essay-ish blog of mine as my sister has fallen asleep and i am too lazy to get out of bed to watch the tv or go to sleep. I feel tired, but not content enough to force myself to close my eyes and dream till dawn. Besides, ill be stirred from my sleep and listen to her munching on toasted bread. This will last for a week, by the way. Or nine months. Haha.

The world has changed. How long will we be protected from it? How long before we finally realise that we are no longer safe as we used to be? How long will the madness last? I wish now that i am in Rivendell, the home of the elves. It may be merely a painting, but it is a wonderful one. A fantasy, created by a man who is about to lose his son in the war, so he wrote this trilogy, in hoping it would ease the pain. I dont know what happened to the son after that though.

Somehow, within these last few months, i have lost some part of me, and yet gained something new that i am not familiar with. But i do know that i like it being here. In my new life. My free life. I can feel the loss of that one thing, one special thing, (i must add here, to reduce confusion that i am not talking about a past boyfriend, lost love or what other nonsense u might come up with) that i miss having. It used to make me who i am now. I thought i would never lose it, or let it be lost. But somehow it slipped through my grasp and now...now i just dont know how to regain it. I try, i do, but it just isnt the same. It's almost like i have to force myself, to reclaim that identity, to go back and just remember what it felt like, what it meant to me. But i know, it will always be apart of me, whether i can sense it or not..I still want it back, i feel lost without it. It makes me feel..empty and almost sad..(again, i am not talking about love. i dont give a damn about that now.) I made the right decision to let go, to free myself from a binding cage...a cage that i thought would make me happy..but no. It was enough for me, and i let go so easily that it made my heart break. (okay now..maybe it has something to do with the past "affairs") But it changed me for the better. I dont dwell on it anymore and i dont give a damn anymore. It may be cruel, but at least im not cruel to myself. I'm 15 years old. I have the right to be free from bad influences as such. Those who succumb into darkness. I may be a drama queen, but i am not as stupid as to let it linger and rob me of my energy and happiness.

I am happy now, as happy as I can be. Happier than before. I know my priorities and ok i am babbling a teeny bit too much. But thats what blogs are for right? Haha..at least im not getting too straight to the point. Anyway, i just have to say to all those who think their lives are ending because they just broke up, who have been rejected by the ones they "love"- that goes for those who dont know what the hell love is-, and also,to those whose moms took away their phones and feel like everyone is trying to ruin their lives and blabla, well, get this. You are just a teenager, you havent been through the worst, because you're still alive and u still have shelter. And, ur using the internet too for crying out loud! Back to the love schmuks- YOU BLOODY WELL BETTER GET OVER IT BECAUSE IT IS PATHETIC TO WASTE YOUR LIFE AND MIND AWAY JUST OVER SOME PUPPY LOVE THAT MOST PROBABLY, IN MOST CASES WHERE UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES THAT YOU HAVE A LONG WAY TO GO, AND U STUDY OVERSEAS AND WORK WITH A LOT OF PEOPLE, WILL NOT WORK! YOU WILL SEE MORE THAN A DOZEN MORE OUT THERE, SO JUST ACCEPT THE FACT THAT ITS LIFE! YOU GET YOUR HEART BROKEN, YOU LEARN FROM IT! YOU MADE THE DECISION TO RISK IT, YOU SUFFER THE CONSEQUENCES! SINCE U THINK URE SOOO BLOODY SMART THAT U CAN PREDICT THE FUTURE, THEN BE READY FOR WHAT MAY COME CAUSE U DONT KNOW THAT MUCH ANYWAY! IF ITS NOT MEANT TO BE, ITS NOT MEANT TO BE. SO JUST GET OVER IT ALREADY! DONT GO ALL IN DENIAL IN HOPING SOME IDIOT WOULD PITY YOU EVEN THOUGH U DONT EVEN PITY YOURSELF. STOP BROODING, STOP CRYING, STOP ALL THE MISERY! ITS ALL IN YOUR MIND, ITS ALL IN UR HEAD. IF U WANT TO MOVE ON SO MUCH INSTEAD OF BROODING AND CRYING AND MOURNING OVER SOMETHING SO PETTY, THEN WHY DONT U?? I KNOW WHY. BECAUSE THERE IS APART OF YOU THAT WANTS TO BROOD. THAT WANTS TO SUFFER. AND WHY IS THAT? BECAUSE THATS WHATS "SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN WHEN WE BREAK UP. WE CRY, AND CRY, AND MOURN AND GRIEF BECAUSE ITS ALL PART OF THE DEAL, ITS ALL PART OF THE SCRIPT, ITS ALL PART OF THE PLAY." you may have shared something special, a lot of happy times, a lot of sweet memories, but in the end, it's about you. A teenager. With so much ahead. Why waste everything over something so temporary?? I am not saying you should not have boyfriends, or you should not have feelings for someone, all im saying is , you shouldnt throw ur life away just because something does not work out. Ruining yourself is not the answer. Find true happiness that will guide you. Not destroy you. I have learned my lesson, and yes, it is very tempting to repeat the same mistake. But there is time. Dont be hasty.

Just live.

randomness

2007-09-08T07:29:00.000-07:00

u want something, then when that something occurs, decide u dont want it after all. or, even worse, u want it to happen but u feel this thing inside u that says u shouldnt want it to happen and that is when u want something u cant have but when u have it u just cant be grateful for it.

OR, u dont even know what the hell it is that u want. u think u want it, but actually u dont. hahahaha..fickle mindedness. who? me la.

remembering

2007-09-05T09:07:00.000-07:00

What would it take to always remember? To remember how it used to be, how it used to feel..There will be a phase where everything is forgotten and suddenly, out of nowhere it comes back to u and hit u, hit u and tell u that u're going too fast..that some things have changed and u dont even realise. And when that happens, u wont even know how to feel. Sad? What for? Happy? Why? Confused, perhaps. But you dont even know what to feel confused about. Eventually you realise that there is no more feeling, that everything is just plain neutral. And then you decide u want to feel again..that u want to remember and u never want to forget.

Things may just pass by you and u wont notice it. And then when u finally do, it wont even make anymore difference. But sometimes it doesnt work that way. Sometimes u would miss something and u would want it back. But u cant. And you have no choice but to move on. And then, everything in the past is just a blur. And you wont even know where you're going. What you're about to face and what you should be wary of. When u lose certain things, you dont go mad. Unless that is, u have OCD. U lose a sock, u dont cry ur heart out..u lose a pencil, you dont go into some nervous breakdown. But losing a memory, forgetting something that means the most to you, and lastly, feel indifferent about it. Yes, you get over it. By substituting the old with the new.

2007-08-28T04:04:00.000-07:00

i fear. i fear what might come. expected or unexpected. why does it have to be that way? why do things change? why do people change so abruptly and leave us feeling so lost and confused? adapting is hard. accepting the fact is hard. getting used to the idea that something is no longer what it used to be is even harder. but people try. at least they want to. they say that they will try. but along the way, they themselve lose it. i know it may not be something that we can control, and that is very hurtful. fate and destiny meddle. we can only try. so why is it that even when we do try, we still cant achieve what our hearts desire?
this may sound random but its true, and it plays in my mind every single day. changes. disappointing changes that is. i know i have to be ready for any circumstances but its so painful to think that one day it might really happen to me. maybe i would be the one that changes first. who knows? maybe coz we are supposed to take a different route in life. maybe we just need to learn to adapt and accept the fact.
moving on is another thing. it has something to do with getting used to the idea of changes. after so long living a life revolving around something, and suddenly that main structure is taken away. what do we do then? wakin up someday and realising its no longer there and everything else is not the same anymore. then we wish that we can turn back time and change whatever mistakes we have made. but its not possible and then we start regretting. but what is the point? we can only learn from it and pray hard that we will be able to not let it happen again...
the idea of everything being wasted and that we wont be as complete anymore; how do we get used to that? if only we know what is in store for us in the future. well, its better to stop wondering now. we just have to live life the way we choose to. dont hold back so much. dont let regret of the past interfere with the present. but yes, it is easier said than done. saying this now, maybe i wont practice it afterwards. i dont know. all i can do for now is hope. and try my best to keep things the way it is, and pray really hard that if something were to happen, i would be able to endure the pain and not let it get to me so much.
memories fade. its true. so sad, but so true. i dont want my memories to fade. never ever. i need them. i need to remember and i cant afford to forget. some memories hurt and some are wonderful. forgetting is the worst thing that anyone could do. but that doesnt mean we have to live in the past and ponder over it every single day. it just simply means that we should remember the turns that we took in life, and the opportunities we missed or grabbed. the memories that i made in the past, i would always remember. the sad thing is, sometimes the people that we share the memories with, dont. and we are stuck thinking that maybe it didnt matter to them as much and we realise that they have moved on so much faster. i would love to relive those happy days. but i guess it wont be the same anymore. i found it hard to accept in the beginning. but after making all these theories and seeing where it truly led to, i have made a conclusion for myself.
moving on is the best, but remembering the past is important as well. and living life the best way we could, will just make our future even better and then we can compare the things that we did in the past, the mistakes we made, and see how much we have learnt. we get to decide the paths we should take, make wiser judgements and finally understand that everything happens for a reason.

changes

2007-08-28T03:31:00.000-07:00

sometimes u close ur eyes for a while and when u open, everything around u have changed and u feel lost. u feel scared. u panic. and u look for the main thing that ur life has revolved around. when u dont find it, u go crazy. eventually. for me, i would just stand in one spot and wait for everything to come back to me. i never actually experienced something exactly like this, but i know a lot of people had. they take some time to get over it, but it will stay inside them, like a scar that wont go away. there was a song that goes something like "the scars remind us that the past is real". how true.
the past present and future. people keep on pondering about all the possibilities that might occur during those three periods. human nature i suppose. some choose to forget and move on. some choose to linger in the past and let it take over the present and the future. like ive said many times before, the past prepares us for the future. that is why, everything happens for a reason. so why do i keep repeating myself? maybe because this whole matter wont leave my mind and i get stuck on it everytime as i find it so enigmatic and relative to my life. to everybody's life.

or maybe in a different case scenario, u wake up and find urself disappointed that nothing has changed at all. certain people wish that their lives werent made up of certain elements but they cant exactly do anything about it. so they hope and hope and keep on hoping till they only see and believe what they want to. they live in denial. they forget to sit and breathe for a moment to digest everything in. these people may not have control over these things and so we cant really say anything about it. psychologists, psychiatrists and therapists do their job to understand what's really running through the minds of these so called senile people. what if it happens to u? to me? will i be able to convince myself?
perhaps i am now able to draw a conclusion and its safe to say that maybe ive come up with all these opinions and thoughts just because i want to believe them myself and that hopefully when my life takes an unexpected turn, i would at least have some ability to talk myself through based on all this. yes, thats exactly what ive been thinking of. how people are able to convince others but its such a chore to convince themselves.

second thoughts

2007-08-28T03:26:00.000-07:00

People say and do things they dont mean. at least after they have said and done it, they feel they dont mean it. Why is it that many people cant keep promises? Why is it that they have to be so fickle minded? okay, so they cant control their emotions. but they can control their actions right? in a way,yes, but still the mind influences the actions so, thats where the whole fickle minded thingy comes in. they turn their backs on the things that they once believed in. for example, leaving someone after so long of being together just because suddenly they have a late second thought. late second thoughts are a result of immaturity of the mind and inability of contemplating with oneself. i have to say, ive experienced a lot of late second thoughts. but those days are over even though once in a while my alter ego steps in and takes over my mind.
still, im able to control my thoughts and hopefully this time i wont make any stupid mistakes that would soon end with regret. thinking of what could have been, what should have been and stuff like that.i dont want to see those days anymore. i want to take all the chances that i have and even though maybe i wont gain anything, at least i get a taste of what its like. so, get out there and do the outragous things in life!! 20 years from now u wud at least want to remember why u lived. doing things that might seem stupid yet fun. What have u got to lose? As long as u do it the right way, there's nothing to fret about..again, the memories would truly matter in the future even though they might seem overrated now.